How to impress…

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her
Dine her
Call her
Hug her
Support her
Hold her
Surprise her
Compliment her
Smile at her
Listen to her
Laugh with her
Cry with her
Romance her
Believe her
Cuddle with her
Shop with her
Give her jewelry
Buy her flowers
Hold her hand
Write love letters to her
Go to the end of the earth and
back again for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked
Bring food.

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10 Worst Things You Can Say on a First Date

 

10) That was your sister? She has really big ta-ta’s for a 14 year old.

9) This has been the most stimulating 15 minutes of conversation I’ve ever had. What are you doing for the rest of your life baby?

8) It’s a real miracle drug. I couldn’t control my herpes without it.

7) I’m so glad you agreed to go out with me. I just started using Viagra and I’ve been wanting to see how well it works…

6) I asked you out because you look so much like my last girlfriend. I still think about her all the time and being with you is almost as good as being with her.

5) I’m glad we’re going out. I got 8 kids at home that need a new mama.

4) Man your friend looked incredible! Can I have her number just in case things don’t work out tonight?

3) A lot of people think Scientology is a cult but that’s not true. In fact, I want you to come to a meeting with me tomorrow to prove it. No I insist, you will come to the meeting tomorrow! You don’t want the Thetans to eat your soul do you?

2) When you date as many prostitutes, strippers, and junkies as I do it’s nice to finally be going out with a classy woman like you!

1) That Big Mac and fries cost $5.24. That means when we go to my place later you owe me $5.24 worth of poontang.

The Mayonnaise Jar and the Two cups of coffee

The Mayonnaise Jar and the Two cups of coffee
 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24
hours
in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the two cups of
coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large
and
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked
the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed that it was.                                                                                        The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the
jar
was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
and
poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty
space
between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things–God, your family, your children, your health, your
friends
and your favorite passions–and if everything else was lost and only
they
remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other
things
that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is
everything
else–the small stuff."
 "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no
room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you
spend
all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for
the
things that are important to you. "Pay attention to the things that are
critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There
will
always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the
golf balls first–the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The
rest is just sand."
  One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I’m glad you asked. It just goes to
show
you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a
couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
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